…I don’t give a shit… and I say this just so… And I write the nonsense like this every once in a while… for nobody to read…
And if time comes for me to be free… I won’t give a shit… even in this fucked up world.
Now it’s time to tie up my hair, stand straight and talk with emotionless, cynical expression… like I never gave a shit…
I was 14 when I realized that I would die. Sooner or later this moment would come with all its glory… And at that very moment I wouldn’t think about the past, but future.
…around me people talk fast, walk slowly and buy clothes on after Christmas sales… They bore me to death by picking on my finger nail nerves… and my body is getting shivers from the moon… the sad face it has…
I don’t trust anybody… even if I do subconsciously I still go and check what they did… I can check what they are about to do… even without saying ‘hi’. And I’m unbelievable… crazy… psychic and potentially schizophrenic.
There is no end to me. I will stop in the middle… Forcing myself not to go on and think is nonsensical. Going deep down into myself scares me… Looking at my eyes in the mirror (even in this defected reflection) makes me think about who I am. I grin at myself like a bloody monster who is never going to become a saint… He can just pretend…
This is different me! So familiar to myself and so distant for others… scared to communicate, they are like shells on the beach and I step on them and then jump not because I don’t wanna kill them… just because they’re too gross to my feet.
If you read this… You’re never gonna be friends with me again. I miss the fresh air. My ears are in shut down mode as the silence takes over.
And I don’t want her to come back… as I’m not eloquent enough right now. I used to be very very long time ago. Follow me and I’ll teach you how to swim in clouds. They are so dirty up close; so dissolved in my corps that they make the sun vomit in disgust.
I want to see what my brain looks like. Then I want to see your brain and compare. I just need to find a way for that. Killing you and then me… that won’t help! The only way is to go and pray!!!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Three days out of Work and the consul :)
…And today my never ending, tiring and insane visa-application process is officially over! As I was told by a very experienced friend of mine, who tried to get the French visa numerous times but in vain, the French Embassy in Georgia is the most strict about giving out the permissions to visit their country. No doubt that for those from the developed world, who can afford expensive vacations in Paris, Niece, etc. that should not be a problem… However, for us, still living in the developing world, ‘loudly and proudly’ remembering those years of no electricity, gas, food, etc. the Western Europe still looks like a heaven… Heaven to a degree that many of our citizens along with Arabians, people from less developed African countries choose to go there and never come back. So French got so tired of so many immigrants literally taking away their space, jobs and everything they have, that they became really strict about giving out visas… Unfortunately, that was directly reflected on me, an 18 year old student who got a scholarship to ‘Ecole Superieur du Commerce – Clermont’ for one semester during my junior year at college. After submitting all the documents including insurance, grades, invitation from the French University, contracts between my University and recommendations from our dean etc. etc. I was invited to an interview with the head of cultural department of the Embassy who turned out a very hot young French guy.
French have diplomatic, fancy manners in their genes I guess, because in his behavior he was nice but still you could easily detect a sense of his superiority. He talked quiet, calm and looked like very sophisticated language came out of his mouth smoothly, without too much pressure. Before starting an interview, I was very nervous (naturally). As soon as we shook hands firmly and introduced ourselves to each other, the atmosphere became very friendly and I felt comfortable. In the beginning he mentioned that this interview was not an exam, he wasn’t judging me by asking questions, he just needed several things to clarify, like how long I’ve been studying French, how many hours a week, how I found out about ESC-Clermont, what I will be doing when I come back after 6 months... I managed to understand everything that he said in French and give an appropriate answer. Finally I even got a compliment from him and the translator as well who sat next to me and never had to participate in our conversation.
The interview lasted for less than 15 minutes… After I left, I was too lazy to go directly back to work and decided to walk around the streets near the embassy. It was really cool and fresh this morning after the rain last night and the sweet narrow streets with nice boutiques in Vera district seemed very attractive to me. In about 100 meters I ran across a very nice French place called ‘Entrée’. They sold nice croissants I literally adore. So I got a whole bag of them and left. After 1.30 ride in Metro and then in Marshutka, I came back to the office.
For those of you who don’t know yet, I’ve been working at Peace Corps Georgia as an intern. This is just a short-term summer job lasting for only 2 months. The job with environment and people around me is normal. Although once in a while I face some barriers that I manage to solve or if they aren’t that important, I leave them unnoticed. The biggest problem for me is that the job I have becomes boring very often. I have to be in the office from 9 am till 6 pm and do some paperwork, evaluations, reports… I feel like I’m not learning anything new and even forgetting what I learned during last 3-4 years. I have an impression that I could do the same stuff when I was in the 9th grade. So, to put it in a couple of words, my job is not challenging enough. And most of you already know that I get bored very easily…
To be realistic, I shouldn’t have expected anything else from the summer intern job. I don’t regret anything since I learn a lot about the organizational culture, relations between the employees and simply how to be nice to people you may not like at all. J)) Especially when you’re a person as awfully picky and moody as I am. The best side of my job is American volunteers. They are new in our country and I feel super excited when I see them trying to learn some Georgian, or say difficult words… They run across Georgian cultural weirdoes and bizarre stuff very often. It’s just hilarious just to sit in the back and listen to them explaining things and telling stories to each other, that are so every day and redundant for me, in a different, exotic way. (I guess, that’s how they see everything in Georgia).
I also managed to get out of work for 3 days. I had to go to Tbilisi to gather all the visa documents. So I spent most of the 3 days running around the different organizations to get everything ready. I also spent almost all my 1 month salary on translating documents (170 GEL)+ visa fee (50 euro) + insurance (150 GEL). And plus I went out to the movies, for lunch, dinner, and parties at night. My friends that were in Tbilisi haven’t been going out much lately, so when I arrived the time to party had come. We also went up to ‘Kus Tba’ which means the ‘Turtle Lake’ at night. We got all wet and then had beer at 4 am. I came home when it was already early morning… In a word, I had a great time. After all that, I feel like I’m ready for 3 more weeks to go at work. Then, hopefully, I’ll be leaving for France. I’ll make sure you are updated about everything I will be doing there. Pictures to follow as well since I’ll be taking thousands of photos there J
French have diplomatic, fancy manners in their genes I guess, because in his behavior he was nice but still you could easily detect a sense of his superiority. He talked quiet, calm and looked like very sophisticated language came out of his mouth smoothly, without too much pressure. Before starting an interview, I was very nervous (naturally). As soon as we shook hands firmly and introduced ourselves to each other, the atmosphere became very friendly and I felt comfortable. In the beginning he mentioned that this interview was not an exam, he wasn’t judging me by asking questions, he just needed several things to clarify, like how long I’ve been studying French, how many hours a week, how I found out about ESC-Clermont, what I will be doing when I come back after 6 months... I managed to understand everything that he said in French and give an appropriate answer. Finally I even got a compliment from him and the translator as well who sat next to me and never had to participate in our conversation.
The interview lasted for less than 15 minutes… After I left, I was too lazy to go directly back to work and decided to walk around the streets near the embassy. It was really cool and fresh this morning after the rain last night and the sweet narrow streets with nice boutiques in Vera district seemed very attractive to me. In about 100 meters I ran across a very nice French place called ‘Entrée’. They sold nice croissants I literally adore. So I got a whole bag of them and left. After 1.30 ride in Metro and then in Marshutka, I came back to the office.
For those of you who don’t know yet, I’ve been working at Peace Corps Georgia as an intern. This is just a short-term summer job lasting for only 2 months. The job with environment and people around me is normal. Although once in a while I face some barriers that I manage to solve or if they aren’t that important, I leave them unnoticed. The biggest problem for me is that the job I have becomes boring very often. I have to be in the office from 9 am till 6 pm and do some paperwork, evaluations, reports… I feel like I’m not learning anything new and even forgetting what I learned during last 3-4 years. I have an impression that I could do the same stuff when I was in the 9th grade. So, to put it in a couple of words, my job is not challenging enough. And most of you already know that I get bored very easily…
To be realistic, I shouldn’t have expected anything else from the summer intern job. I don’t regret anything since I learn a lot about the organizational culture, relations between the employees and simply how to be nice to people you may not like at all. J)) Especially when you’re a person as awfully picky and moody as I am. The best side of my job is American volunteers. They are new in our country and I feel super excited when I see them trying to learn some Georgian, or say difficult words… They run across Georgian cultural weirdoes and bizarre stuff very often. It’s just hilarious just to sit in the back and listen to them explaining things and telling stories to each other, that are so every day and redundant for me, in a different, exotic way. (I guess, that’s how they see everything in Georgia).
I also managed to get out of work for 3 days. I had to go to Tbilisi to gather all the visa documents. So I spent most of the 3 days running around the different organizations to get everything ready. I also spent almost all my 1 month salary on translating documents (170 GEL)+ visa fee (50 euro) + insurance (150 GEL). And plus I went out to the movies, for lunch, dinner, and parties at night. My friends that were in Tbilisi haven’t been going out much lately, so when I arrived the time to party had come. We also went up to ‘Kus Tba’ which means the ‘Turtle Lake’ at night. We got all wet and then had beer at 4 am. I came home when it was already early morning… In a word, I had a great time. After all that, I feel like I’m ready for 3 more weeks to go at work. Then, hopefully, I’ll be leaving for France. I’ll make sure you are updated about everything I will be doing there. Pictures to follow as well since I’ll be taking thousands of photos there J
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The 90's Generation
Whoa... Halt right there! CLEAR!!!
Now take two steps back and one to the left... That's how close everything seems right now for
you and me, for us from the big 90's. When everything seemed to be lost in our puzzling mind maze, all of a sudden times came back this evening. All of a sudden we decided to write... no, actually type... but it doesn't matter after all...
'Remember?' - this is how our conversation started and ended hours after we realized that it was already late, it was dark outside and those noisy kids had already stopped playing football, well... actually soccer in our yard... And we had a pleasant feeling that we existed, that we meant something to each other at least.
And I remembered our generation, unique and original, the first one born in freedom... and brought up on the first bitter drops of sky-high dreams. However we were told that with our birth fridges were emptied, gas was cut, electricity was gone. But this is how the freedom tastes at first I guess... You wanted to be a soldier in order to be able to save your country from enemies... I wanted to be a journalist... I just liked asking questions and never having to answer to the same questions myself... We changed... We disappeared in the materialistic clouds and started walking with the same pace and rhythm as others did. In other words we started lying... to ourselves.
Memories never fade away... and we still remember... those little things that meant the whole world to us... like that fist color TV that looked so big and wonderful to us. And those prejudices that kids weren't allowed to watch TV... We still managed to sneak in the room full of neighbors watching soap operas together on the floor. Kasandra, the girl in love in those series, was every girl's role model at school. With the 20 tetris mom gave to us to get some ice-cream at school, we secretely bought Kasandra's stickers in the newly opened Supermarket across the street. I placed those stickers in my memory book on the top of each page. I let only my best friends fill out that page... Not anybody else...
Once in a while, when our uncles and aunts were on a good mood (in case they were drunk) we got extra money 'to buy candy' as they said. We never did... we were different from others... we never liked sweets. Remember that set of pockemons we got to play with our classmates. In that game I won. Kids came up to me giving all their pockemons... new ones... with sad eyes... like the whole world ended to them. I never liked looking into people's eyes. If I cought that they were said, I would feel guilty. Then I suffered... I accidentally looked into one of the girl's eyes while she was handing me her 6 pockemons. She was on the edge of crying. That was the last drop. I remember that second when I climbed up on the desk and announced I was giving all pockemons won by me in the game back to their former owners. They came one after another. I gave them everything... You called me stupid... One word was enough for me to start crying, to regret what people call kindness now... I cried... And we walked home on the different sides of the road never saying a word to each other.
Remember our classroom? With a wood stove that was rarely lit by anyone. It was cold all the time and we sat with our coats on, some of us - with gloves... I always forgot them, that's why my hands are still red and cold every time it gets a little cold... I loved math... The teacher gave us exercises to be done individually in class. I never liked groupwork. Thus, this was a right thing for me. I was always first to finish... You were always the one who had right answers in case I did it wrong. My red hands were covered by white chalk by the end of the class... Because I wrote the solutions on the board.
Remember those Kinder eggs? One bright evening dad brought me 75 eggs. You came over... We opened all 75 of them at a time. I gave you the cars... I left dolls for myself... Typical boy and girl situation. We ate all the chocolate that day... Kinder surprise was something that still stayed as bright as it was the first day... I put all my kinder toys on the top of our piano... They were there until my mom thought that I was too old for them and threw them away... When I came home, I cried... then I forgot...
Remember those wholes on the Stalin Street? The one on which we walked every day? After the rain they were all filled with water. We tried to jump over them as fast as possible. That was our next competition I never managed to win... This evening you told me we had to do that again... I said that was a cool idea...Then I realized that there are no wholes on that road any more... They were cut in square shapes and filled when we were in our teenage years. Remember when I decided to make a flower garder in my yard? You stole the flowers from your mom's garden and brought them to me. You helped me in watering them every day... We were happy...
Remember when i left? You didn't say anything... Didn't even come to say good-bye. I thought about you... I even thought I would come over to your house and ask to look after my flowers... Because mom wouldn't, I was quite sure... Then I realized, you would be busy doing your own work... busy growing up... Then I left with a smiling face and a long jump in the future... Now, this evening, when we went back, we found everything happened to us incredible... 90's that will remain in our minds for ever... especially when time comes to sit by the fireplace and eat sunflower seeds.
Now take two steps back and one to the left... That's how close everything seems right now for
you and me, for us from the big 90's. When everything seemed to be lost in our puzzling mind maze, all of a sudden times came back this evening. All of a sudden we decided to write... no, actually type... but it doesn't matter after all...
'Remember?' - this is how our conversation started and ended hours after we realized that it was already late, it was dark outside and those noisy kids had already stopped playing football, well... actually soccer in our yard... And we had a pleasant feeling that we existed, that we meant something to each other at least.
And I remembered our generation, unique and original, the first one born in freedom... and brought up on the first bitter drops of sky-high dreams. However we were told that with our birth fridges were emptied, gas was cut, electricity was gone. But this is how the freedom tastes at first I guess... You wanted to be a soldier in order to be able to save your country from enemies... I wanted to be a journalist... I just liked asking questions and never having to answer to the same questions myself... We changed... We disappeared in the materialistic clouds and started walking with the same pace and rhythm as others did. In other words we started lying... to ourselves.
Memories never fade away... and we still remember... those little things that meant the whole world to us... like that fist color TV that looked so big and wonderful to us. And those prejudices that kids weren't allowed to watch TV... We still managed to sneak in the room full of neighbors watching soap operas together on the floor. Kasandra, the girl in love in those series, was every girl's role model at school. With the 20 tetris mom gave to us to get some ice-cream at school, we secretely bought Kasandra's stickers in the newly opened Supermarket across the street. I placed those stickers in my memory book on the top of each page. I let only my best friends fill out that page... Not anybody else...
Once in a while, when our uncles and aunts were on a good mood (in case they were drunk) we got extra money 'to buy candy' as they said. We never did... we were different from others... we never liked sweets. Remember that set of pockemons we got to play with our classmates. In that game I won. Kids came up to me giving all their pockemons... new ones... with sad eyes... like the whole world ended to them. I never liked looking into people's eyes. If I cought that they were said, I would feel guilty. Then I suffered... I accidentally looked into one of the girl's eyes while she was handing me her 6 pockemons. She was on the edge of crying. That was the last drop. I remember that second when I climbed up on the desk and announced I was giving all pockemons won by me in the game back to their former owners. They came one after another. I gave them everything... You called me stupid... One word was enough for me to start crying, to regret what people call kindness now... I cried... And we walked home on the different sides of the road never saying a word to each other.
Remember our classroom? With a wood stove that was rarely lit by anyone. It was cold all the time and we sat with our coats on, some of us - with gloves... I always forgot them, that's why my hands are still red and cold every time it gets a little cold... I loved math... The teacher gave us exercises to be done individually in class. I never liked groupwork. Thus, this was a right thing for me. I was always first to finish... You were always the one who had right answers in case I did it wrong. My red hands were covered by white chalk by the end of the class... Because I wrote the solutions on the board.
Remember those Kinder eggs? One bright evening dad brought me 75 eggs. You came over... We opened all 75 of them at a time. I gave you the cars... I left dolls for myself... Typical boy and girl situation. We ate all the chocolate that day... Kinder surprise was something that still stayed as bright as it was the first day... I put all my kinder toys on the top of our piano... They were there until my mom thought that I was too old for them and threw them away... When I came home, I cried... then I forgot...
Remember those wholes on the Stalin Street? The one on which we walked every day? After the rain they were all filled with water. We tried to jump over them as fast as possible. That was our next competition I never managed to win... This evening you told me we had to do that again... I said that was a cool idea...Then I realized that there are no wholes on that road any more... They were cut in square shapes and filled when we were in our teenage years. Remember when I decided to make a flower garder in my yard? You stole the flowers from your mom's garden and brought them to me. You helped me in watering them every day... We were happy...
Remember when i left? You didn't say anything... Didn't even come to say good-bye. I thought about you... I even thought I would come over to your house and ask to look after my flowers... Because mom wouldn't, I was quite sure... Then I realized, you would be busy doing your own work... busy growing up... Then I left with a smiling face and a long jump in the future... Now, this evening, when we went back, we found everything happened to us incredible... 90's that will remain in our minds for ever... especially when time comes to sit by the fireplace and eat sunflower seeds.
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